APPLICATION REJECTIONS

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

MISTAKES IN RESUMES

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

JOB VACANCIES AT I SOLUTIONS CONSULTING

2 executive marketing assistants are needed urgently in I solutions consulting ltd.

Interested candidates should submit a hard copy of their CV to the Head of Human Resources I Solutions Consulting on or before Friday 2^nd 2013.

Capital plan ltd, a new financial institution in Enugu is need of motivated and highly skilled marketing executives.

Interested candidates: 

 Must be resident in Enugu

Must have a good command of English language

Must have a minimum of second class lower division from a Nigerian university, or a lower credit.

Candidates with third class honors can also apply provided he or she is highly skilled and self motivated.

Interested candidates must apply in person at I Solutions Consulting ltd with a copy of a recent colored pass port photograph.

Applications end on 1^st august 2013.

There are vacancies for candidates with a minimum of SSCE qualification. Interested candidates looking for a job should apply in person at I solutions consulting Enugu.

Candidates must have a minimum of five credits including English and Mathematics and must be resident in Enugu.

ASUU STRIKE HALTS ABSU JOB SUMMIT

Abia State University will be playing host to Brown Uzoukwu as job summit kicks off on the 13^th of July 2013. Brown Uzoukwu, is the founder of the of Nigeria’s most educational job gossip blog. He will be sharing the platform with other speakers of great repute. The job summit which was organized by I Solutions Consulting in conjunction with the school chapel is going to be the first of its kinds in the institution.

The summit has already won a lot of accolades from the university community and beyond and also has a band of corporate partners.

However, the summit has been postponed indefinitely pending the when the strike is called off.

WHAT A SKILL

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, the first guy said “Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.” The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300, a week’s unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation. “Diesel fitter” he replied.  Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy $600. a week.

When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

“What skill?” yelled the panty stitcher. “I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, “Yep, diesel fitter”.

JOKE FOR TODAY

After I applied for jobs at both a library and a shoe store, my husband said he hoped that I'd get the one at the store. "It would be nice to have employee discounts on shoes," he explained.

Then, without thinking, he added, "Of course, if you get the job at the library, we'll get free books."
 

ABSU JOB SUMMIT

WELCOME TO JOB WAHALA